A Haiku Competition!

When I was 9, my mom asked me to draw a mermaid. I produced something so unintentionally phallic that it's inspired decades of poetry.

In my mid-20s, before I landed my first job in journalism, I had a blog. We don’t need to talk about the blog—it’s embarrassing now. But my loyal readers back then, consisting mostly of friends and family, loved one particular feature the most: the Annual Mermaid Cock Haiku Competition.

This contest was inspired by a drawing I did when I was 9. I had zero artistic talent, to be sure, but my mom’s favorite trick to keep me occupied when I became annoying was to hand me a blank canvas and a set of markers and commission some specific painting she “needed” for her wall. On this occasion, she asked for a mermaid scene and said I had to fill up the whole page or she wouldn’t be able to frame it.

Here’s what I produced:

…which my mom framed and hung in the guest bathroom:

For years and years, my younger brothers’ friends would visit the house and snicker at the cock-and-balls I’d apparently drawn for my mom. But neither she nor I caught on for a full decade, until someone finally confronted her directly about the phallic-ness of the tail. She found it hilarious, and so instead of taking it down, she left it hanging there as a sort of monument to my childhood that my friends would visit and take selfies with when passing through South Louisiana.

Jenna Pirog with Mermaid Cock

So I decided to honor our mermaid dick queen with an annual haiku competition on my blog—and I’m going to continue the tradition here on Nightcap. To refresh your high school English memory, a haiku is composed of three lines: five syllables, then seven, then five. Here’s an example of a previous winner, by Meredith Garretson:

Because of her balls,

Which do not flap like fins do,

She sunk like a stone.

Without further ado, I invite you all to participate in this year’s competition via the comment section below. I’ll choose a first, second, and third place, which I’ll announce in my next Nightcap post, and the overall winner will receive an engraved trophy in the mail. (I’m dead serious, you will receive a literal trophy with your name on it.)

Best of luck.