Things that made me laugh this week
Nightcap's inaugural Schadenfreude review.
Happy Friday, folks. I am nine days out from my move to Brazil and have only just discovered the wonders of Facebook Marketplace, where I posted my sofa for sale and received about 30 breathless messages about it within 2 minutes. Did I price it too low? Are New Yorkers just that thirsty for used furniture? My friend Zerlina Maxwell, whose newsletter “The Inner Work Dispatch” you should absolutely check out, advised me that she regretted paying money to leave so much of her stuff in storage when she moved to Italy, so I am learning by example and trying to free myself of as many possessions as possible before I go. (I also received a very polite email from a man offering to pay “upwards of a few hundred dollars” for new photos of my feet this week, so who knows, this international move could end up being free ;))
Today I’m introducing a new feature of Nightcap that will drop weekly in addition to my deeper dives (and Brazil dispatches when I have them). When I originally conceived of this newsletter, it was supposed to be more of a round-up of politics news and the best of the internet, and then I just kept finding myself wanting to go long. But who says we can’t do both? The news is so overwhelmingly dark right now that I think it’s important to pluck out moments of humor and levity and maybe a little satisfaction from the wasteland—even if it’s a laugh-while-you-cry situation. So here’s what amused me from the news cycle this week:
Trump skipping his son’s wedding
Trump famously does not give a shit about any of his kids except for Ivanka, whom he thinks is hot. He forgets Tiffany exists; all he knows about Barron is that he’s tall and that Melania takes care of him. And when he was asked yesterday whether he was attending his son Don Jr.’s wedding to socialite Bettina Anderson, Trump said, “The timing is not good for me. I have a thing called Iran and other things.”
Trump officially RSVP’d no to his son’s wedding in a Truth Social post today, citing “circumstances pertaining to the Government” and “my love for the United States of America” as his reasons for skipping. The president's public schedule shows he’ll be at his New Jersey golf club this weekend.
A MAGA House candidate who calls himself a 'proud family man’ ruined his best friend’s life by introducing to swinging
A Trump-endorsed candidate running for Congress in Arizona, former Pinal County sheriff Mark Lamb, is accused of “ruining his best friend’s life by introducing him to the swinger lifestyle” and sending women photos of his penis, which one woman sent to investigators at their church.
Lamb is accused of roping his pal Matt Hilsabeck into a years-long affair with his wife without permission from Hilsabeck’s spouse, which not only led to his friend’s divorce, but also a probe by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, an investigation by the Arizona Republic has revealed.
Jillian Stannard, Hilsabeck’s ex-wife, said Lamb “got in her face” when she sent sexual material, including a photo of Lamb’s penis, to church officials as part of their probe. The Republic writes that he then “threatened her, telling her there would be consequences.”
He’ll probably still win.
“toothless misogynist Jack Hughes”
I don’t know what the account Pop Flop is, but I can’t stop laughing at this tweet about an Olympic hockey player:
The Senate abruptly left town without funding ICE or Trump’s ballroom
Republicans are furious with Trump and desperate to avoid having to vote on his toxic billion-dollar ballroom or slush fund for insurrectionists, so they just kinda quiet quit their jobs. Andrew Desiderio of Punchbowl News reports that as many as 25 GOP senators spoke in opposition to Trump’s slush fund in a private meeting with Attorney General Todd Blanche this week; they believe Trump is fucking their party ahead of the midterms by being openly corrupt and attacking some of their own members (John Cornyn, Bill Cassidy, Thomas Massie) in primary elections.
Britney Spears’ DUI statement
Driving under the influence is not funny!!! But Britney Spears did say this to the officers who pulled her over this month: “I could probably drink four bottles of wine and take care of you. I’m an angel.”
She also told the cops, “You can come to my house — I’ll make you food or lasagna or whatever you want. I have a pool.”
Honestly—period. (Hope she gets all the help she needs.)
Kilmar Abrego Garcia beats the Trump administration AGAIN
The Maryland dad whom the Trump administration “mistakenly” sent to a concentration camp in El Salvador has been through absolute hell in the year since being released back home—DHS has been desperately trying to re-deport him to Africa, where he’s never even lived, in retaliation for making them look bad by becoming a symbol of their immigration failures and cruelty. And today, a federal judge finally dismissed the bogus criminal case against Garcia, calling it a “vindictive” effort by the DOJ. A humiliating blow to the Trump administration, which I will count as “funny.”
Trump continues to swoon over young dudes
Did I miss anything? See you next week.