Lord, Send Us An Asteroid

The Assassination Attempt discourse is already so stupid that I'm losing the will to exist.

Listen, guys—political violence, especially in the form of the attempted assassination of a former president, is Never Funny. Even if the victim is Donald Trump, who relentlessly mocked the brutal hammer attack that nearly killed Nancy Pelosi’s 83-year-old husband just last year. Even if the bullet only grazed Trump’s ear, leaving him fine enough to ask Secret Service agents to grab his shoes for him before he fist-pumped his way off the rally stage. And even if he gave an interview the next day declaring this photo of himself with a bloody face a contender for Most Iconic Photo of All Time, Considering He Didn’t Die:

Trump’s profound thoughts on the shooting, per the NY Post:

“The doctor at the hospital said he never saw anything like this, he called it a miracle,” said Trump, who was sporting a large, loose white bandage that covered his right ear. His staff insisted that no photos be taken.

“I’m not supposed to be here, I’m supposed to be dead,” Trump said. “I’m supposed to be dead.”

He also cleared up a mystery about his shoes. On the video of the shooting and aftermath, as the burly agents tried to rush him off the stage for safety, he can be heard saying, “Wait, I want to get my shoes.” 

As he explained in the interview, “The agents hit me so hard that my shoes fell off, and my shoes are tight,” he said with a smile.

…

He added, “I just wanted to keep speaking, but I just got shot.”

The doctor at the local hospital, which has a trauma center, told him he’s never seen anyone survive getting hit by an AR-15, Trump recalled.

Speaking of AR-15s, if I were in charge of the discourse around this failed attempt on Trump’s life—which did kill another innocent rally-goer who was shielding his family from the spray of bullets—I might be inclined to focus on why this unhinged 20-year-old man was able to access an AR-15 in the first place. As Republicans rushed to blame the shooting on Democrats’ rhetoric around Trump, I might note that the one thing all these high-profile American shootings actually have in common is the easy availability of guns on demand to impulsive, “bullied loners” with grievances. I’d also mention that Trump, himself, signed a bill reversing an Obama-era gun control law that adds people with mental illnesses to the mandatory background check database, while underscoring the audacity of Republican politicians who are entirely paid for and controlled by the NRA blaming any unhinged shooting on their colleagues across the aisle.

Instead, the nation finds itself locked into a dead-end argument about whether Thomas Crooks, a registered Republican, was actually a secret Democrat because he donated $15 to Act Blue three years ago at the age of 17. (More on that last bit from my former editor Ryan Grim, if you’re similarly fascinated.) Again, I don’t think it’s particularly relevant whether the dude belonged to the Blue Team or the Red Team—the only two legitimate questions we should be asking ourselves are 1) what purpose it really serves that any random unhinged dude can go out and buy an assault-style rifle, and 2) how law enforcement/security failed to apprehend this guy whom eye witnesses spotted army-crawling with a weapon in plain sight onto the roof of a building next to Trump’s rally.

As to whether this assassination attempt secures Trump’s victory in November, I’d say that while it’s certainly a huge boon for his campaign in the immediate term, a lot can happen in a presidential election between July and November. The polls remain dire for Biden, to be sure. I still hope by some miracle that Biden steps down and lets some fresh blood replace him. And while I’d finish this paragraph with a rousing “Don’t lose hope, comrades” type message, that wouldn’t quite fit the vibe of this blog post I titled “Send Us an Asteroid,” so I’ll just say, uh, it ain’t over til it’s over.

In other news…

• A new survey of American voters found that the most anti-Trump demographic in the country is single women, and the most pro-Trump demo is divorced men, which actually makes so much sense if you think about it

• Fox News is hilariously pretending Melania Trump wrote things about her husband’s shooting that she absolutely did not write

• A fight my family had last Thanksgiving about whether sausage can go in the garbage disposal was on the front page of the Wall Street Journal today, lol

Miscellaneous Internet Humor

My dear friend and excellent extremism reporter Chris Mathias posted this tweet of a man’s shirt from the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee today…

I noted in our group chat that this shirt felt ripe to be photoshopped, and chef Anna McGorman understood the assignment.

That’s all for now. I love you all, signing off from Colorado!