Elon is fleeing DC with Stephen Miller's wife

Plus: RFK Jr.'s big children's health report cites studies that don't exist, and Eric Adams' security guard is allegedly involved in the unhinged kidnapping of an Italian tourist.

Hi folks, and welcome to another wild week in Donald Trump’s America. There are a few stories we need to discuss tonight before I hunker down and watch Robert Pattinson’s latest sci-fi/comedy movie, which is apparently underrated?, so let’s dive right into Stephen Miller maybe being a cuck.

Elon Musk is rumored to have stolen Stephen Miller’s wife

That’s right. You’ve probably seen the news that Musk is **allegedly** stepping away from his government role at DOGE, a fake agency that claims to be “reducing wasteful spending” but is actually just mass-firing civil servants, in order to focus full-time on his flailing businesses. The New York Times did a deep dive into Musk’s frustrations about DOGE and “the obstacles he encountered as he upended the federal bureaucracy”—like not being able to use his child army to smash the entire federal government in two months while he played video games—in which Musk admits that he “probably did spend a bit too much time on politics” as Tesla’s stock and sales ate shit. We should read this as him and Trump being angry that Musk failed to buy the Supreme Court election in Wisconsin (despite debasing himself in a cheese hat) and that America hates him and DOGE in general. And we should be very skeptical that Musk is actually getting his sticky fingers off the federal government and not just giving the illusion of doing so to get Tesla investors and board members off his back.

But along with this news that Musk is fleeing Washington comes new reporting that Katie Miller, Stephen Miller’s wife and the top spokesperson/adviser for DOGE, is leaving the government with Musk to work for him full-time. Stephen Miller, you’ll recall, is the bald, 39-year-old white supremacist who’s been the architect of Trump’s immigration policy since his first term. And while many considered Musk to be the “shadow president” of Trump’s second term, those in the know say it’s actually Miller who’s been running things behind the scenes.

Since this latest news broke of the Katie pulling a Jerry Maguire for Elon, BlueSky has been lighting up with the apparently widespread Beltway rumor that Musk and the Millers have been involved in some kind of throuple situation, and that Katie and Elon are now having a full-on affair. Here is a visual of Katie, who hilariously has one of Elon’s very phallic rockets set as her background photo on X:

Musk and Miller are currently subtweeting each other about Trump’s “big, beautiful bill,” which Musk hates because it adds to the deficit and which Miller is vigorously defending by fact-checking Musk on his own platform. Ope! I am absolutely not rooting for anyone in this nightmare of an alleged polycule, as all three of these people are domestic terrorists, but it would be quite funny if Stephen Miller of all people lost his wife to an immigrant. (It would be extra funny if Katie were already pregnant with a baby that she and Elon will name after a math equation, don’t say I didn’t call it.)

In other news…

• -RFK Jr.’s new MAHA Commission report, a “Make Our Children Healthy Again” assessment that was commissioned by Trump, has reportedly cited seven scientific studies that don’t exist and deliberately twisted other studies to support false conclusions. Scientists are speaking out about their research being misinterpreted to make suggestions about everything from sleep to depression and anxiety in children, and Ivan Oransky, the co-founder of a site that tracks retractions in scientific journals and research, heavily suggested it was written by AI. AI papers “tend to hallucinate references,” he told USA Today. “They come up with references that share a lot of words and authors and even journals, journal names, but they're not real."

  White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt blamed the phantom citations today on “formatting issues,” but it sure looks like the Health Secretary is simply an anti-science quack who asked a robot to write him a paper about children’s health that supported his predetermined conclusions.

• An NYPD officer on Mayor Eric Adams’ security detail was apparently involved in the kidnapping and weeks-long torture of an Italian tourist who was held hostage for 17 days in a “high-end frat house” in Nolita for his bitcoin password. The victim said he was tormented with electrical wires, forced to smoke from a crack pipe and dangled from a staircase five stories high, and he did eventually give up his password. That said, the moment I saw that an Italian man had been found running down the street screaming for help in Manhattan after being tortured by Crypto businessmen, I somehow knew that Eric Adams would be involved.

• Texas cops searched than 83,000 license plate reader cameras across the country in pursuit of a woman who they said had an illegal abortion, including cameras in blue states where abortion is legal, according to terrifying reporting by 404 Media. This can be seen as an escalation in the anti-abortion movement’s attempts to ban interstate travel for abortions, essentially trapping women who live in red states into the laws governing those states. Nightmare shit.

That’s all for today folks. I’ll let you know how the Pattinson movie turns out.

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